Vulnerabilities Laid Bare!

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As I sit down to write this, I find myself in a very vulnerable space this morning and maybe a reason I feel I need to write.  One is to let it out, and put my emotions on paper so that I can just let them go and two, maybe because at one point, someone may find themself feeling the same way, and knowing you are not alone and that we all experience these moments, may bring you some level of comfort.

I recently shared about being a true empath and how this sometimes is my downfall, how I avoid conflict because I don’t want to stir the pot, but that I have learned to stand up for myself and my family when it truly matters. Truth is, I have, but it never makes it easy,  maybe my shortcomings and failings are that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try as far as possible to be real, to show people the REAL me, failings and all. I don’t try be someone I am not, I am not perfect and I know that. I am not the perfect friend, mother, daughter, sister or wife. I make mistakes everyday, sometimes the same ones and sometimes new ones.

What I do know, is that one reason I can sleep at night is because I know I always try do better tomorrow. I know that EVERY decision I make and every action I take is one routed in love and with the best possible intentions. I act with love, trying to be the best possible version of me…I don’t always get it right, I know this! BUT I TRY!!

The challenge really is that when I do stand up for myself, for my family, more and more it is confirmed that I am different, that I do not belong, that I never have, and I never will. I am on the outside, looking in on a life that I have made that I am a part of, and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be on the outside, but I am. Some days I am okay with that, Most days in fact I am. I know I am different. Most days I accept that I am unique because of it, but today is not one of those days. Today is a day I am struggling to accept that I am just not accepted in society. Knowing the truth and experiencing it are very different. 

When this truth affects those close to you, the ones that you love dearest and would lay down your life for in a heartbeat, then it makes it harder to deal with. This may come across as a self pity post, but trust, it is not, it is me trying to make sense of when to take other peoples feelings into consideration and when to put me first. 

I know that there are people who know me, REALLY know me. People who have taken the time to understand what makes me, me. What makes allows me to make the decisions I do, or to act in a particular way, and I can count them on one hand. People who would kill if they knew what caused me to feel this way about myself or make me question myself and these are the people that get me through these days.

Today is a day I just don’t want to and don’t feel like I can face the world as ‘ME’ the real me, because today is a day I realise I will ALWAYS be an outsider looking in. I am not of this world but I am in it.

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