Self Reflection - with Grace and Forgiveness

I started this blog and titled it, Navigating Life and being real. Why did I start it, through Covid I found life, working and home schooling, with all the negativity a challenge. 

Looking at social media and measuring other people’s success against my own based on the video’s they shared around what they were doing while we all found ourselves locked away, prisoners in our own homes. I wanted people to know that being real about, not having all your shit together, was okay and that there are struggles that we all face, and that is okay. 

Recently though, I have questioned myself and really wondered how real I am being with my audience and with myself. If I am not being real with myself, then how can I be real with my audience. I have over the last few years been through a lot, some good, some bad, highs and lows, as most of us do. I found some situations challenging and others I have breezed through. I have questioned myself, but not really, not the way I probably should have, if I am being completely honest with myself. 

Mostly I would say reaching 40 meant that I started to realise my mortality, seeing friends lose family, friends and people close to them, having people close to me have various diagnoses, I guess, life as you know it in your youth changed for me. I felt a shift in the way I approached things, the way I questioned certain things and also found a mental shift in me, my way of thinking. You could say that I realised that life is short, it is fleeting and asking myself what have I done with mine? This then lead to questions of, have I lived, I mean, REALLY lived? 

Maybe thinking this way meant that I changed the way I made certain decisions. You see, one of the core parts of who I have always been, is someone who was thought, to be a peace keeper, hated conflict, maybe a little bit of a people pleaser. Not all of these are noble, and more often than not, lead to my downfall. I would be so involved in keeping the peace, I would forget what I stand for, doing what others needed me to do could meant that I put my needs last and everyone else’s first. Some may see this as selfless which is great, however, it is not, if you cannot strike a healthy balance.  

One thing that I do take away from this ‘me’ as you could call her, is that many people used to say that no matter what, I always sought out the good in people and believed that if someone did something that was considered ‘bad’ or ‘nasty’ I would try to see it from their perspective. I would always think that there had to be some sought of justification for their behaviour and why they may have responded this way. A REAL empath.

I have lost this part of me somewhat and have become far more cynical as I have grown older. I don’t always want to see the other person’s perspective and more often than not would rather believe that they ‘always’ have an ulterior motive. I had lost a sense of who I am, I mean, who I am at the CORE. You see people were drawn to me, not because of me, but because of Christ who lives in Me, that sense of believing that everyone is good, that everyone has something to offer in life, this is  God’s nature and not my own. The Bible says, ‘Our battle is not against flesh and blood, (people, as such) but against principalities and powers of darkness.’ Every person is created in God’s image and there is no evil in God. So if someone acts or does something that goes against His nature then, it can only be a different force acting and not them. 

I found myself asking, why has this inherently changed in me. What changed, why did I change? Then I found that the deeper I looked, the more I realised that it comes down to one thing and one thing only, selfishness. I have always been a ‘good judge of character’, or rather believed that I had a gift of spiritual discernment, a unique ability to read people with a high level of emotional intelligence and an understanding of when someone really needed me to show up and really be there and reflect God in their life. No matter how they responded, to not give up on them to show them love, that is what Jesus would do. Previously I have done that and in one particular situation, it took 4 years to restore a broken friendship, but showing love, everyday for 4 years, guess what? LOVE WON!! However, recently I have found that perhaps I have lost that. I have been hurt, and when I get hurt, I have became angered. Hurt by people’s reactions and angered by their responses. As a result, I have spent some time asking, and reflecting about, why I have felt this way.?

What I have found is that, my ability to ‘read’ or understand people has not changed, that is still there, however it is how I have responded to these people that has changed. I have been more selfish, not fully recognising why God has brought this person into my life. I would see things, acknowledge them, see the pain and suffering that they have and instead of being there to help, comfort and bring them out of that darkness, and show them light where they saw none, through my selfishness and anger when I did not receive the desired response, I became part of that darkness. As a result, instead of bringing healing to the broken, I broke them further and at the same time broke myself too. I became angry and bitter and caused more hurt to others and myself. 

Looking back, I see this, it was not that I was wrong in my understanding of people, it is not that I misread situations, it is the way in which I responded that changed the outcome. Ultimately linking it all full circle, in getting older, I felt that I had done enough living for others and wanted to live for me, but God never called me to live for me, He called me to live for Him, to be the light in the darkness. To be a hand to those who feel that there is no hope and show them He is the HOPE!

Does it mean that I allow people to take advantage of me, to use me and just be the peacekeeper? No! It means I remain true to Him, to who He created me to be. I cannot do this, if I shy away from conflict where something goes against what I believe in. I cannot do this, if I aim to please people, because people may want me to do things that are not pleasing to Him and most importantly I cannot do this if I live to please ME… if what I want goes against what God wants for me, there is only one possible outcome to it all, and it will never be good. 

God said that he has plan for me, ‘a plan and a purpose, and that is not to harm me but to prosper me.’ I need to live this and believe it, but doing so, also comes with obedience and not denying Him or who I am because of Him. 

It does not change who I am, but if I am going to be real, REALLY real, then navigating through life this way means having Him at my side, being the person He created me to be, to live my life and the CORE of who I am, will remain to believe in the goodness of people, as we are all created in His image. I am not perfect, I don’t claim to be at all, it is why I believe in Jesus, it is why I need Him. It is also why I can write this and reflect, and show myself the grace and forgiveness that Christ has shown me. I hope that in the same breath, that those who I may have wronged in the past, will show me the same grace and forgiveness. 

I am sharing this for two reasons, firstly, as one of the most important things to me and something that I teach my children daily is about accountability, sharing this means I am accountable to my audience and readers to act on what I am sharing.

Finally… being real means asking myself one thing. How much do I really love the people I claim to love? If I have not shared with you all the truth of who I am, and who Christ is, and what he has done for us all, the ultimate sacrifice of laying down His life so that we may live a TRULY full life. 

Blessings and love to you all.