Two Exist as One

 

It has been some time since I have shared anything, purely because I have not felt like I had any wisdom to impart or share until recently.

Over the last ten months I have been on a hell of a journey, a journey of self searching, a journey down many dark allies of my own past, a journey of love, a journey of motherhood, a journey of corporate employee, a journey of partnership and allyship. 

I have gone through so many changes in myself and questioned many different decisions in my life, be them past, present or future. Over the last 10 months I have learned more about myself than I have in the previous 39 years. I have many times over, questioned if it was because I am approaching 40. Many times I have said that there has been a shift in my thinking as of late. I am not sure if it is because of the realisation of my mortality or because of the people I have met and shared parts of myself with, relationships terminated or new friendships and relationships formed. What I do know is that I am not the same person I was a year ago.

I can question if I am a better person or I can accept the reality that I know I am a good person. Irrespective  of choice or outcomes of my choices, my heart and motive is always pure, that when I go to bed at night I can rest with an easy conscience that I would never intentionally do anything to cause harm to another or that given the resources and time at my disposal I will always act out of love and do the very best I can for the people around me and even more so for those I care about. I am not claiming to be perfect, not in any way shape or form, in fact I am probably the one person who would never claim that, as I am consistently questioning if I have done enough, never feeling like I am enough. 

Today's post is about exactly that and why and who I am and the realisation of why I am the way I am. The acceptance of self and the realisation that we all have, in some way shape or form, an alter ego, Another person that we either hide from the world because we afraid of how we may be seen in society or because we are afraid to entertain that part of ourselves for the fear of what it would mean to who we are or who we try not to be, ultimately suppressing a part of ourselves.

 I am my own worst enemy, my own critic and as much as I strive for perfection, more often than I would like, a demon from my past will rear its ugly head and force me to deal with a part of me that I have kept hidden or a part of me that I have buried, never to deal with again, and when these parts of my past come back to haunt me. As an adult I am forced, to not run anymore, as I had in my youth, but to face them head on. As a child we do what we need to, to survive. As an adult, we learn, that running does not help you conquer anything, running does not help anyone, the only growth comes from facing these demons head on and accepting how they changed you and made you who you are today and then decide if you like who that person is. 

Now I am not saying change who you are, because your character is there, your moral compass is set, your have your ethics and the standards that you live by and those should stand firm, unless they are the reason for your downfall. What you should be looking to change is the weakness and seize the opportunities, take away from the learnings and instead of allowing the weaknesses to consume you, to own them and remind yourself of everything you have overcome to be where you are today. 

Remind yourself of the judgement you overcame, the ridicule that you faced, the labelling you overshadowed, the rejection you rose from, the death you faced, the multiple health concerns and surgeries come through and the miracles of life given, almost lost, and the strength you drew on during that time, the strength you showed in all those situations, even the times you ran as a youngster and overcame those struggles that youth should never have to experience. Draw on this and take courage that you have and will overcome future challenges.

Very recently I have been forced to face and relive one of the most traumatic experiences of my youth through my daughter. A part of me I never ever wanted to re-visit. It is has sent me on an emotional rollercoaster as I have had to talk her through her own experiences and try and council her and impart, hopefully, wisdom that will guide her through it, and not leave her with the scars that I struggle with today that impacts your relationships with others. While I silently cry when no one is watching because she requires my strength even if I am dealing with my past demons, she needs me and she needs me strong. All this has raised in me insecurities I long thought I had overcome but that have resurfaced and I am forced to face them.

You can’t allow the insecurities of the past to haunt your future or break your confidence, insecurities lead to assumptions. Assumptions of feelings or lack thereof that could mean you lose out on the here and now of the moment. 

This could hinder experiencing and enjoying the present, or the formation of such fond memories made that you will smile with fondness as you recall them on your death bed as you remember a life lived, a life of laughter, tears and intimacy a life of love shared.

I have also, as of late had a medical diagnosis that changes who I am in social settings. This in itself is something that I am still processing as it has all been very recent. 

Having always been somewhat of a social butterfly, working from home for the last 11 years has left me feeling somewhat anxious in social settings with big crowds, something rather unusual for a public speaker. So much so that my husband, who sees the change in me when needing to leave home for anything - raised a concern that he felt, perhaps I was starting to suffer from agoraphobia. Couple this with my depression and my recent diagnosis things have been somewhat of a challenge and is taking some getting used to. However I refuse to accept that this is the way it is, I will not let a disease dictate how I live my life and so rather than run from it, I am challenging myself more severely to face these situations, more frequently and to step out of my comfort zone and re-train my brain to focus more clearly. So if you find yourself in a social setting with me with lots of noise around, I apologise in advance if I appear rude in anyway, but please know there is reason, know that I am not ignoring you but rather simply trying to isolate the noise so you have my full attention.

It sounds here like I am playing the violin, ‘Oh poor little me,' quite the contrary, what I have said is to provide context to the story. 

You see we all have our own personal struggles, we all have something we are fighting internally and we all have something we hide from the world. Very few times in life, you encounter someone, be it a friend or a life partner that can see past it all, who sees you for the person you are with moods and insecurities and loves you despite it all. Very rarely you meet someone with whom you can REALLY share the darker parts of yourself with and have them accept you for it, not only accept you but love you because of it. Someone who you connect with on a level that is far deeper than the standard friendship or relationship because together you are a perfect balance. When you do meet that special someone or dear friend, hold on with both hands because these people and connections are unique and beautiful and these are the people who will see you through your darkest days. 

I will share a few things I have learned over the last 10 months in hope that these will provide you with some inspiration for the future.

• Often we need to take a step back, step away from our own struggles and allow ourselves the opportunity to heal, to enjoy life, enjoy the  moment and make new memories.
• Don't or STOP punishing yourself for being a person outside of duty, for being the person you were before responsibility kicked in. You need to allow yourself the time to be YOU!!
• Embrace the beauty before you,  hold onto to it, you never know if it it may be gone tomorrow.
• Strive always to grow. Take on board what trusted people say and take no offence, rather use it as and opportunity to identify your areas of weakness so that they don't define you.
• Never assume you know how others feel, don't put words in their mouth or draw your own conclusions, they have their own struggles and battles they are trying to overcome. You could lose many dear friendships if you are not careful. 
• Live your life to the fullest. Cliché, I know, but what I mean by this is be present in the moment and don't follow it up with self loathing or punishment, you are allowed to enjoy life.
• Allow yourself to love and BE LOVED. You are worth someone else's love care and thought. BELIEVE IT!!
• Build connections with people it helps combat the loneliness of life
• Allow the beauty of something rare and unique to flower, feed it, water it and most of all make sure you love it with all your heart.

Finally and most importantly remember that deep inside hidden from  the world is YOU. The confident, exuberant, enthusiastic and youthful person begging for freedom. Let them out. You can be a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter and friend and YOU! You can be both. Both personalities exist within you in, don’t kill one at the expense of the other as they co-exist and one is, as much in need as the other. Without YOU no one else can benefit at all. Find yourself and love yourself.

I hope that you have found this encouraging and inspirational. Sharing it has not been easy. 

I have read and re-read this several times, processing it all, and yet I cannot read it allowed without crying, so I hope that in sharing some deep and dark parts of my soul with you, that if only one person should benefit from it, then I have made a difference to someone. 

Much love and Care!