Not all, is as Expected

 Not sure where I want to go with my post today...I previously said that I tend to write when my emotions run high, or low and normally I tend to favour the latter, as a result of my blog really plays the role of 'PEP Talk' to myself. 

But today, I am neither stressed, upset, overly joyed or ecstatic about anything, no, today I find myself in a rather sombre/nostalgic/mellow mood and maybe not a completely clear head but I am reflecting, questioning and wondering through the cross roads of my life. 

You see, I am really my own worst enemy, my own psychologist, mentalist, therapist...you get my g...'ist.'

On a serious note, I am the one person's head, no one would want to wonder through. My mind is probably something like the movie 'Maze Runner, ' or better yet, a cross between that and the maze in Harry Potter 4 'Goblet of Fire.' It is ever changing with complexities and riddles that need to be solved, while any form of booby trap is set to catch you out, and cripple you in this journey you call life.

As for me, I am constantly running those corridors in fear, joy, anxiety, disbelief, doubt, love, kindness, self-sacrifice, and self-doubt!

For me, the complexities of this mine field are that I am it's creator and yet the memory of booby traps versus reward are hidden to myself. When something potentially good may come my way, I question the why behind it, the motive, the authenticity of it. Someone once told me that the thing they loved most about me, was my ability to always see the good in others and to give them the benefit of the doubt. I feel like as I have gotten older, I have become cynical, I question people's motives around being nice, or nice to me. 

I have recently asked myself, is it that I am getting old and due to my kind heart and constant search for goodness that I have been stung so many times that now I am so cynical that I cannot believe that someone could genuinely just be nice. Often I find myself questioning why people do the things they do, be it good or bad. It doesn't matter, I seem to question everything, it is like every decision made by everyone will impact the trap or the reward at the end of this potential new route opening or complete shut down in the maze of my mind. 

I told you, you would not want to be stuck, let alone trapped in this complex meandering path of memories and insecurities and dreams. It is full of confusion and doubt, self doubt mostly, always doubting my worth, my goodness and therefore questioning why anyone else would value me, want to get to know me or spend time with me. As I have grown I have found that scars of my youth run deep, but at the same time, the years of knowledge, experience and picking myself up and dusting myself off after every set back, has instilled in me a core strength that cannot be beaten. I am a warrior spirit that will not lie down or give up. 

I have recently returned to work after an 8 week recovery and time off, going back to work has been a challenge, getting back into things and the flow of work. I needed to take the time off when I was really starting to feel after 10 years in an organisation I was actually starting to pave a niche in my career. I was really starting to understand myself and where I could be used to make the biggest impact in my workplace, it was unfortunate as I felt like I was really gaining momentum. 

I went back feeling anxious and unsure of where and what was in store upon my return. I know you are wondering where this is all going? Bare with, you will see what I am saying. Truth is, in the time that I was off, I doubted, had I done enough for my absence to be felt, and here is what I found upon my return... People didn't miss me for the work that I delivered, people missed me, me the person. I doubted my abilities to lead, to shine, to be an example and what I realised is that when I doubted this ability, I was not me...doing the work did not matter, I need to be me... I need to be the who I always am, that is the example, that is the leader.

Fortunately, I have not yet become so cynical that I had shut the world out. I was able to still receive the faith and belief that a friend and colleague has in me, not because they have an ulterior motive, or because they wanted anything in return, but because they saw me... they believed and reminded me through the words of Mary J Blige in the song 'Doubt' that I am fighter. That I don't give up and that I am good enough, not for the world, but for me. I don't give up because tomorrow is just another opportunity to be a better me. 

In closing I guess really, my blogs are consistent, because I am sure you see the 'PEP TALK' in here. Saying this I will leave you with a few things to remember as always.

• Don't allow the world to make you cynical - love exists and you have and always have 1 person who believes in you,
• These people love you, they love your flaws, your scars and your beauty and strength that comes with that. 
• These people come in all shapes and sizes and often people you least expect.
• Believe in yourself, you are worth it, EVERYDAY!!!

You are amazing!!! Believe it!!! Even, if to you, it is not as it seems!!!