What does Success look like?

I want to start today's post by sharing a little about myself to help with context to my story. 

I was raised in South Africa in a small town in Central Freestate. I come from a modest background and was a bit of an over achiever at school. Everything I took on came naturally and so I tried my hand at a lot of different sports and excelled, I was one of the top academics in my year and was offered a couple of scholarships to study at various universities, so I had every opportunity to succeed and make it big and build a name for myself.  Now, understand that what I am saying here is all for context and is not a brag post. 

I was rated as one of the students of my year that was most likely to succeed in life. As I now approach 40, I actually stop and question what does this success look like. I am not here to belittle anyone, or anyone's achievements but to show and illustrate that for each of us,  success can be something very different and no one can tell you that you are not successful. 

I was a Uni drop out, several and I mean several of my classmates went on to do PhD's. I then decided to get a job as a receptionist and study through the post, now for some you may think so what, 20 years ago distance and remote learning was not what it is today, it was you and a text book and then an examine at the end of it all. So although I had the luxury of living at home with my parents, I still worked a full time job while trying to pay for and complete my degree completely independantly.

I then took a two year sabbatical and came to the UK, I had a great time and grew in independence, not having seen or spoken to my parents in that time. The days of internet being readily affordable to everyone was not widespread then and also technology of video calls did not yet exist, (showing my age a little.) This was a time of youthful endeavours, a few wreckless decisions but I found an element of strength in the independence of knowing I can survive on my own. 

I returned to SA, got a job in the bank and picked up my studies, albeit not a full degree, just a higher diploma, I did this now working full time, studying full time and supporting myself in my own flat. I then met someone, one thing lead to another, I fell pregnant, he walked out and now this 25 year old young girl, single, studying, no place to call her 'home' just yet, I found myself, alone and scared and my dreams of building a career shattered. 

Having always wanting children, and having been diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis at 17, I was told that the likelyhood of ever conceiving without surgery was minimal as there was so much damage internally to the reproductive system. So despite my dreams, I embarked on a new dream. The dream of a little girl, who cuddled dolls and pushed them around in  a pushchair playing moms. I embraced the changes and thankfully with the support of my loving parents brought a beautiful little girl into the world. My 'Angel Pie' this was to be her nick name.

Being a single mom trying to work and study was tough, what was even tougher is that my little angel was very poorly and in the 1st 12 months of her life she had 15 hospital visits and they were no less than 9 days at a time. When she was 6 months old I met my now husband, only I did not know it then. The 1st 12 months were tough, but we got through them and she is now a beautiful teenager. I could not have made it without the support of my local church community, parents and sisters who sacrificed so much to provide us with the support we needed.

When my daughter was 18 months old, my now husband and I officially hooked up, he was on his annual visit back to South Africa and it was purely by chance that I bumped into him again, but there was something there, something special and a spark ignited that it could be something more. We questioned what we were doing as I would not relocate to the UK and he could not return to SA as his son from his previous marriage was in the UK, but we gave it a go anyway and I can only say I am so blessed that we did not let 6000miles between us, stop our shot at happiness and success.

One year on and we were married, we did however then spend the next 6 months living apart and our first Christmas as husband and wife was a skype call and lots of tears as we hoped and prayed that our appeal for UK residency would be approved. It became a standing joke for my husbands friends in the UK as they all teased him about this young girl he claimed to have fallen in love with and wed  must be a fictional character. None the less once all the red tape had been removed, we were finally granted a chance at the life that we had dreamed of.

Three years after our wedding we then fell pregnant with our son, this was a planned pregnancy and we were delighted, however 5 months into my pregnancy I was diagnosed with pre-natal depression, couple this with all the pregnancy hormones you can only imagine what a rough time my husband had but he never ran, he stayed by my side throughout.

Now, we are approaching our 11th year of marriage we have a 22 year son completing his final year at Uni, we have a 13 year old daughter, who is kind and caring with a love of school and sport and our youngest is 8 yrs old and playing for a football centre of excellence and showing real promise as a talented goalkeeper.

Living in the UK is tough, and although we are now fully settled, not having the support structure of friends and family around us is certainly a challenge, it is a challenge we face daily in our marriage and a challenge in life. To be a full time carer, while working full time and running a household, maintaining family with no help, or reprieve of responsibility is no easy task. 

Day in and day out, sometimes can feel like a monotonous strain and having to constantly switch roles between mother, wife, colleague and friend brings with it mental fatigue as most days the one thing that is compromised is the value and the amount of sleep we get.

Every morning is and can be a challenge to get out of bed, not from a lack of desire to live, but just from being that exhausted that sleep can come to you within split seconds. To paint a picture of the level of exhaustion I refer to, it is something we now laugh about, but a week ago I suggested a movie on TV and before my husband could look up at my suggestion and I could push play for the trailer, I had already fallen asleep, sleep in seconds.

As a mom to 3 beautiful children and a working mom, I want to say to you all, that you may not have a diploma, degree, masters or PHD credit hanging on display in your hall ways, but every tear shed, every sacrifice you make for your family is worth it. You see, the question of what success looks like differs for each of us. For me, when I tuck my kids in at night and my little boy utters, 'Mom, your superpower is, you are the best mom in the world.' these words tell me, I am a success. 

It doesn't matter if the work I do in my professional life, does not match that of someone who is highly educated, it  does not matter that I am tired most days and struggle to find energy to actually enjoy the smaller things in life, the fact that my children look at me and see someone who loves them and cares for them, despite all the things I take on, on a daily basis, then I am successful. The dream of the little girl, who pushed dolls around has been realised. I am a MOM! I have everything thing I ever dreamed of and therefore my life is a success. 

To close I want to leave all the working moms with a few things to remember:

• To the mom who wakes up early to pack her children lunches you are doing a fabulous job
• To the mom who could not wake because she worked until 10pm and folded laundry I feel and share in your guilt, but you are doing the best you can.
• To the mother who is rested and has patience to deal with any challenge your children throw at you, I admire your strength and inner calm
• To the mom, who has had a rough day at work and snaps at a simple accident, I understand your frustration, not with the children, but with yourself for losing it in the moment.
• To the mother who has the freedom to take your children to the park at the end of their school day, I know your children will remember the fun times they had
• To the mother who is always working and who just wants her children to not argue so the time you have with them is loving and fond memories, I understand, I hear your cries and I share in your desires.
• To the mom who is always able to get her children to bed at regular times, I applaud you, your children have a stable environment that is sure fire.
• To the mom who despite rushing everything in her day and is still struggling to get dinner on the table for 7:30pm, your children learn to flex and they learn compromise, you are doing a great job.
• To the mother who sneaks to the bathroom to shed a tear as you try to regroup your thoughts and come back stronger, I share your tears.
• To the mother who cries and shares emotion with your children, it is good for them to see your cry, it teaches them about emotion.
• To ALL Moms whether working or not, regardless of the number of children you have, in their eyes you are a HERO and you are the BEST mom they could ask for. So when that little doubt creeps in or the guilt settles because you had a lie in, remember to your children you are a SUCCESS!!