Talking about Depression in an Unforgiving World
Today is a day for fessing up, it is not easy to come out the wood works and and admit one's flaws and insecurity's but today I am taking the plunge and talking about depression because I think more an more people need to know and understand that suffering from depression is not a weakness in you. If you had a cold or tummy ache or were to contract Covid, would you claim you were weak? No you would not! So why is it that when a person suffers from depression we perceive them to be weak, we look at them and label them thinking that they are not as capable as others just because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain that they have no control over?
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17, mostly, people hear that I suffer from depression an are alarmed, often it is received with, 'Really? I never would have pegged you as a depressive?' So I ask you the question? WHY NOT? Because I have a family, I am hard working and most days I am quite a happy sociable person that will easily strike up a conversation with any stranger about any topic. People who suffer from depression are no different to anybody else,we just have to fight a little harder in life to fit in with society. Some days are good days, some days are bad days and the truth is really that every day, good or bad involves some sort of mental struggle.
Let me explain, the good days are good because I have adopted several coping mechanisms over the years of suffering and everyday is a battle, Negative thoughts creep into my sub conscious all the time, but on the good days it means I am in a strong enough position to combat them, I can identify them as such and put them aside and manage the feelings of guilt and worthlessness and acknowledge that I am a good loving caring mother and a wife who tries her best, I am hard working and driven and I can identify all this, so I am seen as a normal functional adult and in my head that is a win.
Then there are the bad days, these are days when it doesn't matter how many times I try and convince myself that I am good enough, there are feelings of guilt that overwhelm me because I feel like I am not doing enough, not in my job, not as a mother, not as a wife, I feel like I am letting everyone around me down and that life for them would simply be better if I walked away because they would not have to live with the burden of having to deal with my low moods and poor health.
As a teenager I was not well liked at school, people knew of me because I was a strong academic student and also played at provincial (county) level in various sports, hockey, squash, swimming, and biathlon. But I had very few friends, I was seen and viewed as a goody to shoes who never put a foot out of line and so can never say that I was with the in crowd. I suffered from anorexia and also self harmed for some time. The anorexia was a form of control, the only thing I felt I could control was what I ate, it was my choice as to what I put in my body and the self harming was a physical pain release for the mental turmoil and emotional anguish and I was feeling.
Thanks to the support of a wonderful teacher who recognised the signs and sat me down and explained to me what I was actually doing to my body internally by starving myself, she pulled me back, (love you for it Mrs Bevins (RIP) I owe you more than my life. Thanks also to my loving family and supportive parents I can say that I am not in that dark place anymore, because I got the help I needed. I don't self harm and now live a very healthy dietary life. I eat well and I don't self harm, but I do still have very low days, I have just learned to cope better in identifying them and trying to move past them and therefore am able to live a pretty normal life, most of the time.
The parts of my depression I struggle most with is the effect it has on my family, as a mother, I am aware how my low moods affect my children and how tough it must be for my husband to understand that one day I am this confident career driven individual and the very next I am this insecure person who believes I will never be good enough for him and he deserves so much more than me. This over-riding sense of guilt is a disease that eats away at my soul. But this too, is getting better as when I am having a bad day I acknowledge it as such and tell myself it is okay to feel low today because tomorrow I may be in a very different place.
In my world there are only a handful of people who know and are aware of my depression, as it is not something that I openly broadcast to the world, until today! Simply because of the stigma attached to mental health issues. You see, I am doing an entry level course in Mental Health in Young Children and it is only in doing this course that I have built up the courage to speak up as I have learned so much more about depression and how it can affect me and those around me.
The problem with Mental Health is that the world is such a cruel and unforgiving place, life is too fast paced to deal with people who are perceived as 'weak' and people seldom have the patience or empathy to work with someone who requires a little more maintenance than someone who is not struggling. This is because people don't understand Depression or Mental Health and also don't care to educate themselves about it, it is easier to just label us as 'freaks' or 'mad' or class us as someone who cannot cope with life.
But I want to share with you something that I read a while back that I found to be very encouraging.
'The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about.' This is very true, because everyday that a person struggling with depression gets out of bed, they have overcome something incredible, when they make it in to work, they have made a major accomplishment, when they are able to put aside and battle the negativity and move forward through the day with a smile, they have won a major battle, battles you have know idea that they are facing.
So here a few tips to those working to overcome the Mental Struggles:
- Set yourself small goals, be it a physical challenge to do something to raise money for a charity where there is an obligation, you are not doing it for self gain but to help others and so you shift the responsibility of achievement from yourself to achieving it for someone else.
- Acknowledge the bad days for what they are - 'BAD DAYS' tomorrow the sun will shine
- When you having a bad day, breathe, you will be amazed how only 10 min of focused breathing can provide a level of clarity.
- Try always to put your concerns into perspective to the struggles of others.
- Remember you are not alone and it is okay to talk about it - don't be afraid of what the world will think
- Exercise patience - even when you are don't understand, remember that tone and body language give away a lot more than you realise, especially to someone who is already overly sensitive and feeling guilty for their lack of performance
- DON'T try to fix them, you can't no matter how much you tell someone who is suffering that it will be okay, at that time, in that moment, they are NOT okay, so just listen with compassion
- Although you don't understand their pain and frustration or think it had no concrete ground to stand as valid argument, don't try rationalise, it is like trying to rationalise with a 7 year old who believes the Boogy Man is living under their bed, it is the same principle, the threat is real in their mind.
- JUST BE THERE...
- And finally taken from the book, 'Wonder written by R J Palacio 'If faced with the decision to be right or to be kind, choose kindness always.' This is one of my favourite quotes not just in helping people through work through their depression but also to life in general, because you never know what battles somebody is facing in their personal life.
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